COMMENTARY: Grief and Sadness

Sad things happen on my birthday. 15 years ago, my mother died. 10 years ago, my first baby died. Those are the two major events, but not the only ones. I don’t tell you this to make you feel sorry for me. I do not want nor need your sympathy.

I suppose I just need an outlet for the grief that remains behind. And so, every year I take a few minutes on that day to reflect on that grief and sadness. A few minutes spent one day a year alone with the memories of what used to be and what might have been. I don’t know if this is a healthy way of handling it or not, but so far relegating my grief to one specific day has worked for me. And since God (with his inimitable sense of humor) has granted most of these grievous events to occur on that day, He makes it easy.

Grief has a funny way of changing a person, making her look at life differently, to appreciate things in ways she may not have before. I may be sad, but I am stronger for the pain. I am more aware of the world around me. I know that I am alive, that I am breathing air. There is nothing worse than being numb, deadened by the inability to accept the terrible things that life throws at us. Not knowing which way is up or down. The grief process is simple: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance. Each of us works our way through these stages in different ways. It’s been many years, and I have long been in the “Acceptance” phase, but that does not mean that I don’t still feel the pain. Because I do.

One of the worst things that happens when someone you love dies, is not being able to say goodbye. People talk about whether it’s better to know they’re going to die so you can have the chance to say goodbye, or if it’s better to not know ahead of time so you don’t have to dread it happening. Personally, when the Big Guy in Charge decides we don’t get a chance to say goodbye, I think it’s just... unnecessarily cruel. How good it would be if only we were able to say those final words, to say “I will love you always”, or “I’m so very, very sorry”, or whatever else needs to be said in order to truly have closure, instead of the regret of not being able to say a word.

Sometimes in the dark moments of grief, when all our hope is gone, we need to try to find something to hold on to. Saying goodbye is painful at best. Knowing it will be the last goodbye is heart-rending. Knowing you don’t get to say goodbye is...tragic. Having a goodbye to hold on to is worth the world.

But sometimes He decides for us. It is out of our control. Of course, if God were as omnipotent as religious folks will tell you, couldn't He just break the rules of the universe to allow that one last goodbye?

Death is cruel. The finality of it is almost incomprehensible. I wish it was easy to let go of the sorrow and pain. But it simply isn’t. And yet somehow we must take a deep breath and move forward with our lives. We hope the crutch of grief will get smaller and smaller each day, and it does to an extent. It just takes a long, long time. And it never truly goes away. So I give myself this day to cry, for all of us who have lost someone--mothers, fathers, children, a soulmate or best friend. Their losses are unquantifiable. And so I will spend my few minutes alone today, thinking of what I have lost.

COMMENTARY: Frankie Say Relax

I hate the word "uptight". Especially when it's used to describe me. I don't generally consider myself to be uptight. I'm just "driven", "steady", "assertive", and "cautious". And, okay, maybe a little bit OCD.

I admit it. I like everything to fit. I like all the pieces of the puzzle to be in place. I'm a woman with a plan and I'm not afraid to use it!

Nothing can cause me to go into a panic quite so much as someone calling and wanting to (*gasp*) "go do something" at the last minute. I eat the same thing for lunch nearly every day simply because I don't want the pressure of deciding on something new. Spontaneity and I don't get along so well. Patheti-sad, I know. But I am what I am and I'm kind of used to it.

The problem that I'm finding with this is that life can't be planned. At least not to the level I want it to be.

First of all, I'm a parent. Having a child forces one to accept the reality that life goes where it wants to go. The constant bouncing around of reality when you have a child always throws me for a loop. I go left, she goes right. I stop short and she keeps right on trucking. She's like the Energizer Bunny and I find that sometimes I just can't keep up. Maybe I'm just getting old.

Add to that a high-stress career, adorning myself with the moniker of "student", keeping my "happily married" status firmly in place, and attempting to keep a tight grip on household management, well....it's a recipe for rigidity. To keep all the cogs in this wheel running smoothly, I write a To-Do list, but then I end up only accomplishing 3 of the 10 things on it. So the remaining 7 get bumped to the next day and add to the challenges of THAT day. I try to remember that's "just life", to "take it as it comes", and "it is what it is. But it's hard to do that for a person who is so upti....I mean, "steady and cautious".

Result? STRESS. So what's a girl to do?

Frankie says RELAX. But that's easier said than done for someone of my fortitude (or lack thereof). I'd like to think I give a valiant effort at doing what a person is supposed to do in this situation. Yoga. Meditation. Deep breathing. I also have been known to drop a few bucks for a good massage (love Kyle!) But it's not enough. How can I just find that moment of peace that I need? That break from this vicious cycle of stress?

When I was a teenager, my mother used to tell me to "chill". I used to get so angry that she would use such a cliched phrase to try to get me to think something earth-shattering in my life was less than important. But maybe she was onto something. Maybe all these things that are earth-shattering in my mind really aren't? I'm pretty sure my dear husband would agree. Sometimes I wonder how he puts up with my constant elevating of all things to a Code Red level of urgency and catastrophe.

A wise man once told me, "It isn't brain surgery. No one is going to die if this gets screwed up." But for some reason, I have a hard time taking that to heart.

I want to let go of the stress. I want to just relax. I don't want to feel like the outcome of a particular action of mine is going to result in a nuclear holocaust. I don't want to feel like I have to picture the poor guy who has his brain splayed open on a surgical table just to make myself feel better.

So instead, I do the best I can. I plan to my little heart's content. I take frequent deep breaths. I take a ME vacation away from it all. I have luxurious hours with my buddy Kyle's hands. And I occasionally throw in a glass or two of wine. And I take that little word "uptight" and throw it down on the floor in front of me and give it a good stomping. Whew! Now I can relax.

BOOK REVIEW: "Everything I Long For"

Everything I Long For

By Melody Carlson

Copyright 2000

Harvest House Publishers

Adult Fiction

3.5 Bookmarks

"Everything I Long For" is a slice in the life of Maggie Carpenter who has fled the hustle, bustle and stress of the city for new possibilities in the small town of Pine Mountain. As Maggie makes a world for herself and her son Spencer, a new kink is thrown into the mix when they discover a runaway hiding out in the woods behind their home.

After Maggie uncovers the reason why Leah is in Pine Mountain, she begins a search to help the girl find her real father. Meanwhile, Maggie struggles with juggling the affections of two men in her life, as well as the challenges of being in the sandwich generation (having a son to care for, and an aging parent to care for as well). Maggie's uncertainty about the decisions she makes are very true-to-life. I liked that I could relate to her insecurities and the difficulties she faced with the decisions that were in front of her. Being in a new place and making new friends is hard for anyone, though many would be hesitant to ever admit it. It was easy to place myself in her position and feel what the character was going through.

"Everything I Long For" was a quick and easy feel-good read. If I had one complaint it would be that the author seemed to do a little too much "explaining" about why things were happening. It gave the book almost a little too much of a simplistic feel because of that. But all-in-all, I enjoyed the book and read the entire thing in just a couple hours.

BOOK REVIEW: "The Scroll of Seduction"

The Scroll of Seduction

By Gioconda Belli

Copyright 2006

HarperCollins Publishing

Adult Fiction

2 Bookmarks

I picked up this book because it was supposed to be an historical fiction-type read, with main character, Manuel, sharing his knowledge of a historical Spanish queen with a willing pupil. While I did appreciate the historical nature of the story of Queen Juana, the story soon became a little too, ummmm...., statutory for my taste. When Manuel seduces his 17-year-old student, you just know things are not going to end well.

The story of "Juana the Mad", was interesting in a lot of ways, though. Based on historical accounts of the love-obsessed queen, "The Scroll of Seduction" takes you on a journey with a young girl off to meet her betrothed. She considers herself lucky when she immediately falls desperately in love with him. But she soon becomes wracked with jealousy when things turn sour. When Juana's love falls victim to illness, she never quite recovers and those who wish to rule the dynasty that was, in large part, created by her, use her passion and pain as an excuse to hold her captive and leave her helpless in her own kingdom.

But the side plot was, in many ways, quite disturbing. Manuel is a little loony, if you ask me. He wants his student to do some crazy things while he's telling her Juana's story. And, shockingly, she does them. And then one thing leads to another and... yada yada yada.

Sometimes when I read these stories written in another language and translated to English, I am pleasantly surprised at the unique way the story unfolds. This book, however, left something to be desired. In addition to the story having a decided "ick" factor, the way the book ended was off. Like the author didn't know how to resolve everything so she just lit a match.

Don't think I would recommend this one.